How Do You Get 6 Frozen Cows Out of a Forest Service Cabin?
This is not a trick question but one that has the US Forest Service in Denver totally stymied and has actually created quite a Conundrum (that means something puzzling for those in government service). It is even more perplexing as the location of the Conundrum is in Conundrum Hot Springs which is about 9 miles from Aspen and the wayward frozen cows are actually frozen in a Ranger Station. OOPS, someone left the door open or forgot to post the sign, “No Bovine Allowed”. Or, “Bovine must register with the Forest Service if Staying Overnight”!
The Forest Service is tied up in its own bureaucracy, the bureaucracy of the EPA and the Department of Interior and a whole lot of environmental groups. The big question these geniuses are pondering is how to get the cows out of the Ranger Station. They have already made the astute observation the cows are actually dead which then ruled out the possibility of walking them out. BRILLIANT! Since the Ranger Station is near streams, they are trying to figure out the best way of disposing of the cows so as not to contaminate the streams.
The Forest Service actually stated that in the past they have used explosives to get rid of Elk, Deer and dead Horses. (I am capitalizing the names of each of the animals so as not to offend PETA.) I only have one question for these brilliant US Forest Service Disposal Personal. When you blow up an Elk, do you really thing that you have somehow evaporated all of the animal’s organic matter? Don’t you think that this organic matter may be washed into the streams during the next rain? Not that it should matter as animals have been dying in woods and streams long before the US Forest Service was there to protect mother nature from her own natural recycling processes. Maybe we should send tapes of Wild Kingdom to the US Forests Service so they can watch what happens to an animal carcass when left in the wild. It is a miracle of the natural food chain. By the time the critters are through, not even a US Forest Ranger would be able to find a scrap. Also, since the sun actually shines there is a good chance that mother earth may actually oxidize whatever is left over, even if it reaches the stream.
The Service also had the guts to state that this is a wilderness preserve so taking vehicles into the Ranger Station is a no-no as they cannot disturb mother earth by making tire tracks. Here is the actual quote:
“But Segin said using helicopters is too expensive and rangers are worried about using trucks in a wilderness area, where the government bars permanent improvements and tries to preserve the natural habitat. They need to use the minimal tool to get the job done. They don’t want to leave the land scarred,”
A Minimal Tool! I think that aptly describes the mental capacity of the Rangers! So, their solutions may be to Blow up the Cabin; or send a team of rangers in and pack out the carcasses by foot! (Psst, how are you going to get the dead cows out of the cabin?) Here is a thought, the Air Force Academy is located just outside of Denver. Have a couple of cadets Napalm the cabin! Or maybe they just drop a low yield nuclear device on the cabin. That should teach those cows to trespass on government property!
I can only guess the costs incurred so far to solve the Conundrum in Conundrum Hot Springs, Colorado. How about you do nothing and let nature take its course. The door is already open to the cabin so maybe you can post a sign outside inviting critters in for a free “cow-fest”. Or, drag them out of the cabin and let them be recycled outside, naturally. I’ll bet this ends up as a mid six figure or higher expenditure to get rid of 6 cows. This could be the most costly beef ever served up by this White House and its brilliant bands of bureaucrats…